Barack the Barbarian Hijacks Malaysian Air Flight 370 - A Very Different Kind of Fractured Fairy Tale - An Adventure
By Dr. Donald W. Hendon
DonaldHendon.com
Oh-bummer’s speshul-weshul guy Kal Penn, the former
White House Head of
Public
Engagement, noticed Barry was getting more and more
bored with him—and with life in general. Their
snuggling lacked a certain something. He knew
Barry’s ego was massive—humungous, even. Kal thought
massaging that ego would make Barry a little more
receptive to his snuggling efforts. So he gave Barry
15 comic books with him in the lead role: Spiderman
583. Archie 616 and 617. Veronica 199. Savage Dragon
137 and 145. AirGear (a manga comic featuring US
President John Omaha, 2008). BombQueen 6. Youngblood
9. Drafted (Devil’s Due, 2009). And all 5 issues of
Barack the Barbarian (also from Devil’s Due, 2009).
That didn’t work, though. That’s because reading the
comics made Oh-bummer’s ego even bigger. He had
always liked Conan the Barbarian—ever since he was a
kid. And that’s why he tried so hard to convert
Arnold Schwarzenegger into becoming a Democrat. And
so after reading
Barack the
Barbarian, he started strutting around the
White House like a superhero. And instead of
foreplay, he wanted to fall asleep at night as soon
as he got into bed. He looked forward to his dreams,
because they all featured him as a superhero
president!
Here’s a dream he had in mid-March 2014:
Barack the Barbarian went undercover in Afghanistan.
He joined the Taliban and became its
commander-in-chief—a superhero successor to Osama
bin Laden himself. In February 2014, he and his
sinister Gang of Four ambushed an American convoy
carrying the sophisticated electronic system used to
control pilot-less drones in the area. It weighed 16
tons. If it fell into the hands of America’s
enemies, all American drones would be worthless.
The Taliban needed money for its world-wide
terrorism operations. Barack the Barbarian tried to
sell the system to the Russians, but they were too
busy in the Ukraine. The Barbarian had better luck
with the Chinese. They sent 10 of their top
scientists to Afghanistan to check out the
command-and-control system. After a few days, the
Chinese agreed to pay the Barbarian $1 billion.
So in March, the 10 Chinese scientists packed the
16-ton system into 16 crates. Where would they take
it? The cunning Barbarian said, “The best place is
your embassy on Jalan Ampang in Kuala Lumpur,
Malaysia. From there, you can ship it by air to
Beijing.”
The dumb Chinese agreed. But they should have gotten
suspicious. That was one hell of a detour! After
all, Afghanistan and China shared a small common
border, between Pakistan and Tajikistan. It would
have been a lot faster to take it by land directly
to China! But the Barbarian was a smooth talker and
liar. (Just like Oh-bummer, the President is!)
So the Chinese took it by land to Kuala Lumpur and
stored it at their embassy. The Barbarian suggested
they transport it by civilian aircraft to Beijing.
That wouldn’t look
suspicious. And the direct flight from Kuala
Lumpur to Beijing was less than 5 hours. The
Barbarian said, “Even if the Americans find out,
they won’t hijack the plane because they would never
harm civilians.”
But the Barbarian was working behind the scenes with
5 American CIA agents. He made sure the 16-ton cargo
was put on Malaysian Airlines flight 370 on March 8,
2014. The flight had 227 passengers from 14 nations.
Eight of the passengers were major scientists
working for China’s defense department. The 5 CIA
agents were on board, posing as passengers.
After takeoff, the CIA agents released nerve gas
which put all passengers to sleep. The first thing
they did was jam the airborne and control system
(AWAC) signals. That’s because airports on the
ground could use the AWAC signals to
remotely-control the airplane’s flight in case of a
hijacking. Then, the agents disabled the pilot
control system, and switched over to remote control.
They switched off the transponder and other
communication systems, changed course, turned around
180 degrees and flew westward. They didn’t fly east
to Guam or to Clark Air Force Base in Angeles City
in the friendly Philippines. Why not? Because the
entire South China Sea air space was covered by
Chinese surveillance radar and satellites.
The CIA agents kept The Barbarian informed of all
that was happening. He was pleased with the events.
He knew they were heading toward Diego Garcia, the
US air base in the middle of the Indian Ocean. Sure
enough, Malaysian flight 370 flew over North
Sumatra, landed briefly on isolated Diego Garcia
island, then arrived at Diego Garcia. They tied up
all the drugged passengers and unloaded the 16-ton
cargo. The plane then took off, by remote control.
Its course would lead to a crash-landing at sea.
The Barbarian was very, very pleased. He knew the
world would believe that Malaysian flight 370
eventually ran out of fuel and crashed.
However, the plane didn’t crash. It actually landed
on Gilligan’s Island. Ginger, Mary Ann, and Mrs.
Howell nursed the passengers back to health.
Gilligan, the Professor, the Skipper, and Thurston
Howell contacted the authorities using the
airplane’s communication system. All the
passengers—and the stranded cast of Gilligan’s
Island—were flown to the Los Angeles International
Airport and received a hero’s welcome. Barack the
Barbarian was tortured and killed by the CIA.
That’s when Oh-bummer woke up. He couldn’t remember
most of his complicated dream—just the part about
his role with his beloved Taliban as Barack the
Barbarian. He had a big smile on his face. He called
his speshul-weshul Kal Penn on the phone and told
him all about it.
And, of course, Kal was pleased that Oh-bummer was
pleased. He looked forward to the very
speshul-weshul evening ahead.
Copyright (c) 2014 by Dr.
Donald Wayne Hendon
Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a consultant, speaker, trainer, and author of 14 books, including The Way of the Warrior in Business, Guerrilla Deal-Making (with Jay Conrad Levinson) and 365 Powerful Ways to Influence. Jay Levinson recently passed away. He specifically chose Don to be his final co-author—the person most qualified to carry the torch of guerrilla marketing into the 21st century. Deal-Making contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365 Powerful Ways—along with 400 winning countermeasures. There are 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive ones, 24 cooperative ones, and 16 submissive ones to get what you want from other people. Plus 81 dirty tricks to watch out for and 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them. Download Chapter 1, free of charge, at www.DonaldHendon.com. Play Don’s free online Negotiation Poker game by going to GuerrillaDon.com. Apps will soon be available.