Dear Kurt: I Can't Believe Someone with Such a Terrible Record on Women is Running for President
By Kurt Schlichter
TownHall.com
Now, more than ever, people need good, solid
conservative advice, especially you liberals,
hipsters, and social justice warriors. I am here to
help!
Dear Kurt: I find it outrageous that someone with a
record of treating females like garbage is running
for President! It is terrible and unacceptable when
a person trying to be elected leader of the Free
World has such an ugly history of insensitivity
toward the abuse of women. What should I do? Signed,
21st Century Girl.
Dear Miss Missing Chivalry: Wait, I’m confused.
Which one are you talking about?
Dear Kurt: I marched for a nuclear freeze to prevent
the West from matching the Soviet’s missile build-up
during the 1980s, and I voted for Jimmy Carter and
Walter Mondale to keep that cowboy Ronald Reagan
from starting a war with the Russians, because as
Sting taught us, they
love their children too. But now the Democrats
are angry with them because of Wikileaks and how
Putin is treating Obama and Hillary like a
couple of vinyl-clad love slaves living in a box in
a pawnshop basement. I’m really uncomfortable
that, as a liberal, I am now expected to side with
America against foreigners. What should I do?
Signed, Confused Comrade.
Dear Hammered and Sickening: Oh, the Cold War – good
times, knowing that, while I was there in West
Germany with VII Corps rolling out to our assembly
area on freezing o-dark thirty morning alerts to
practice our mission of dying in place while holding
back the red hordes, you and your sissy pals were
back home providing moral support to our enemies.
Yeah, I’m a little confused too about why there’s so
much anti-Russian negativity all of a sudden from
the Party of Ted Kennedy, who took a break fromdrowning
chicks and making
waitress sandwiches to go try
to get the Soviets to work with him to influence the
1984 election. Libs are so fussy all of a sudden
about abusing women and cavorting with foreigners!
Anyway, my advice is to just wait a few weeks until
the election is over and your beloved Democrats will
once again be able to follow their hearts and blame
America first.
Dear Kurt: I am a student at a local university and,
being distantly related to Elizabeth Warren, I am
also a Native American. Our school’s sportsball team
calls itself “the Braves,” which is racist somehow
and also triggering to those of us who identify as
cowards. I am actually in tears right now just
thinking about it! I want to stop this cultural
appropriation, which is the worst hate crime in all
of human history, or at least I think it might be
since my Transgender Botany major does not require
that I actually take any courses in history. What
should I do? Signed, Seeing Red.
Dear Heap Big Moron: I understand your frustration
with people refusing to conform their lives in such
a way as to constantly cater to your never-ending
litany of petty grievances and tiresome complaints.
And it must bother you that most Native Americans –
real ones, not ones only when they are applying for
Harvard faculty gigs – are loyal, patriotic
Americans who have distinguished themselves in war
and peace. But hey, if you want to live in your
personal time machine you need to first set the
example by giving up things you are culturally
appropriating, like antibiotics, the wheel, and slot
machines.
Dear Kurt: I can’t stand that orange jerk, but I
also detest that lying, felonious monster who has
done the impossible and made pantsuits even less
sexy. I am not going to vote for bong-friendly Gary
Johnson because of the off chance millions of others
might walk into the voting booth and say “Oh, what
the hell” and we end up spending four years
listening to “Hail to the Chief” as a reggae cover.
I won’t vote for Jill Stein because, besides being a
commie, she seems like she’d probably accidentally
misplace the nuclear football on a trip to Whole
Foods. And I won’t vote for Evan McMullin because he
reminds me of Moby and I just can’t even. What
should I do? Signed, Praying for Death.
Dear Sophie Had An Easier Choice: You should
first vote for Trump because he’s slightly less
terrible, then come over to my place because on
election night I’m cracking theBlue
Label. And don’t dilly-dally because it may be
all gone by the time Fox calls Florida.
Dear Kurt: I just heard that Jane Fonda’s ex-husband
and fellow traveler to North Vietnam Tom Hayden has
died. I really admired his dedication to communism
despite its blood-splattered history of unspeakable
evil. What should I do? Signed, At Least Castro Is
Still Alive.
Dear Traitor Mater: You should tell me where he’s
buried. I have to pee.
Dear Kurt: I am very concerned about my husband and
the safety of our three teens. You see, my husband
is worried about Hillary’s gun control and anti-Bill
of Rights agendas, and in just the last month he has
bought a Kimber .45 1911A1, a Bushmaster AR-15, and
a Remington 870, plus about 3,000 rounds of
ammunition. This is crazy! That is nowhere near
enough guns or ammo! Our family needs at least
several more pistols in various calibers, plus a
modern semi-auto battle rifle for each of us, as
well a combat-configured shotgun per person. Then we
need spares. Plus, 3,000 rounds is a start, but it’s
not even close to sufficient for a family of
patriots serious about defending themselves, their
community, and their Constitution. What should I do?
Signed, Gun Controlled.
Dear Awesome Chick: I don’t know you or what you
look like, but you are totally hot. Look, behind
every strong male is a strong female urging him to
adequately prepare for the uncertain future. Remind
your husband that to a patriotic, conservative
hottie, size matters – specifically, the size of his
personal armory. If your short-sighted husband still
fails to take your sound advice, buy
him my new book. And if that doesn’t work, then
he’s probably a closet liberal and you should leave
him and try being with a man.